INFJ Personality Test

I don't really know how to put together a creative lead-in to this, so I'll get right to the point. A friend posted something on Facebook about a personal type so I googled 'personality types' and took a test. I understand that there could be a lot of room for error, but I ended up with INJF.

All of the descriptions I'm finding from all of these difference websites say the same thing, and while it's somewhat freeing to feel like there's an explanation or 'justification' for how a feel 99% of the time, it gives me slight anxiety as well. A part of me has always thought that I'll never be truly understood... by anyone. When I hear myself say that it makes me sad, but I don't know that I could (or would) ever change that. I think that's why I'm so obsessed with the lyric "We can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness."

I've included a few links below. It opens us up to understanding what rages inside of us, but at the same time it feeds into that thought and feeling that we'll never completely fit in or be understood. Do we have to be either one? Not necessarily, but it can get lonely and stressful, and it's always... internalized because there's that feeling that no one understands. How can I say that? Because I have tried.

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

http://www.truity.com/personality-type/infj

Painting Sky and Earth

While tonights run was far from my best, the view was remarkable. All I could think of was how it looked like a painting. We see beautiful sunsets all the time, but the colors we see amazes us each and every time. The worst part is that we try to capture these moments with our cameras and our phones, but it never turns out the same. We never have the same feeling looking at the picture as we did when we saw it in person.

I look at these pictures and it's such a sad representation of how I felt when I saw it for the first time. My chest felt tight and I felt so small. But I felt free. I was able to lose myself within seconds. It was like I was a part of it. The sky. The water. The colors. The sun. And the shadows.

Sometimes I feel like I can't handle my own emotions and my own thoughts. I feel conflicted. Free. Peace. War. Scared. Brave. Everything. I feel everything. I feel both love and hate. Overwhelmingly so, and running forces me to face them, dwell, and relive every thought and emotion I have ever experienced.

Forgive and forget. Long ago I learned I am capable of forgiving, but that I can never forget. I remember everything. I remember every thought, every choice, every action I have taken or someone has done to me. It is both exhausting and awakening.

The hardest part about running isn't the physical part of it. It isn't the aching of my knees or screaming lungs or the physical exhaustion at the end. It's the mental solitude. You are both trapped and free within your own mind.

Of Course you're tired. Changing the world is an exhausting business.

The inconsistency of writing a blog has kicked in. This is what always happens. I start out strong, writing something every day, and then it starts turning into once a week and then every now and then. Each time I vow that I'll start being consistent and stay on top of things... so this time I'm not going to say that. All I can say is that I will do my best.

Life has been incredibly busy though I feel like I've been sleeping more than I usually do. It's a very strange feeling. Yesterday I didn't get up until 7am, and then today at 6am. Maybe my body is trying to catch up with the physical and mental exertion? Sometimes I feel more tired when I've mentally pushed myself than if I've been doing something physical.

Training has been off and on. I'm still getting in runs but it hasn't been consistent or planned. I can easily do 5-6 miles at a 9-10 min/mile pace. I need to get up to 9-11 miles at that pace. The struggle comes in that I want to be at work early, which means the sun typically isn't up when I would need to go for a run (and I don't like my neighborhood in the dark), but then when I leave work early all I want to do is go home, grab a snack, and relax... excuses EXCUSES.

As corny as it sounds everything that I'm trying to do is definitely a marathon, and not a sprint. None of it are things that can be done in a day or a week or even a month. My job with Goodwill is everyday for (hopefully) a long time. Synergia is a lifetime endeavor that needs to constantly be worked and kneaded. The wedding is a year long project that can only happen at a certain pace based on a specific end date. And then there's training for races, trying to build a design portfolio, volunteering with Relay for Life of San Ramon... it's exhausting just thinking about it all.

When you're trying to do it all and make a difference in not only our life, but other people's lives as well, it's tough. Sometimes I feel like I'm on this constant roller coaster with twists, turns, hills, valleys and then a combination of all of them. But that's life. I have to constantly remind myself why I'm doing all of this: I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered as someone that cared... no, loved. I want to be remembered as someone that loved with all that she has and can be.

I have an image on the cover of my Facebook page that I constantly look at, and it reminds me to keep going. It reminds me that what I'm trying to do isn't easy and it's going to be exhausting, but I have to keep going and persevere because that is the only way to succeed.